Numbers One (through Ten) with a Bullet

A while ago, I was passing the time with some friends by playing Would You Rather, a classic collegiate diversion wherein participants must choose between the more desirable of two usually unappealing options. It’s the only game where you’ll hear someone say, “Yeah, I guess I’d take screwing a cow over losing my mother.” Anyway, someone posed the question, “Would you rather live in a world without sports or music?”

To me, this question is unanswerable. Sports can galvanize nations, rejuvenate cities, and lift individuals to the pantheon of heroes. I don’t remember my first kiss, but I remember watching Jack Morris and the Minnesota Twins go ten long innings to beat the Atlanta Braves in Game 7 of the ’91 World Series. (I remember most subsequent kisses, however.) On the other hand, a life without music would be virtually pointless… You’d never worry about what song to play at your wedding; you’d never sing “Happy Birthday.” Without music, the boombox held high above Lloyd Dobler’s head would be mute. To truly live, you need both sports and music. So, obviously, it would follow that music about sports would be all the more sacrosanct.

Well. Now that I’ve written a sufficiently bombastic intro… here’s a top ten list.

10. You’ll Never Walk Alone – Liverpool FC Fight Song (itunes)
- So, it’s from the 1945 Rodgers and Hammerstein musical Carousel. Fine. Tell that to 45,000 fans at Anfield, belting it out at the top of their hooligan lungs. I may root for Arsenal—and Carousel is downright depressing—but you have to had it to the Reds… it’s a pretty inspiring song. (Can you imagine American football teams doing this? What if the 70s classic “San Diego Super Chargers” was replaced by “Climb Ev’ry Mountain”?)

9. Centerfield – John Fogerty (itunes)
- Overplayed? Yes, probably. But every year when the opening day of little league rolled around, my dad would play it as I laced up my spikes and for a few perfect moments, anything was possible.

8. I Wish I Was a Little Bit Tiger – Skee-Lo vs. Survivor (Soulwax Mashup)
- The most brilliant thing about this mashup is that it doesn’t include any of the lyrics from “Eye of the Tiger.” (Seriously, if the guy “[stalking] his prey in the night” is the “last known survivor,” what prey is left to stalk?) But when that killer riff is slammed up against Skee-Lo’s underdog aspirations, you can’t help but think that his dreams—being taller, being a baller, etc.—might just come true. Don’t worry Mr. –Lo, I got picked last in basketball, too.

7. Racing in the Street – Bruce Springsteen (itunes)
- Not that amateur drag racing is a favorite sport of mine or anything. To me, it’s a song about how the need for competition transcends age and status. Then again, I like to pretend that Varsity Blues is a serious film. But I needed one Springsteen song and “Glory Days” is a dull travesty.

6. Boxing – Ben Folds (itunes)
- Just your normal, everyday, imaginary conversation between an aging Muhammad Ali and Howard Cosell. It’s the other side of the coin from “Racing in the Street”; you can turn to sports to feel young, but they can just as easily remind you of your age.

5. Theme from The Natural – Randy Newman (itunes)
- It’s as emotionally manipulative as it is Coplandesque. And that’s fine. I hear it and I see Robert Redford crushing the pennant-winning homerun into the stadium lights, sparks raining down on the outfield. Plus, I always wanted a New York Knights jersey.

4. (You Gotta Have) Heart – from the musical Damn Yankees (itunes)
- As cliché as it seems, this song’s thesis is undeniable: all the talent in the world won’t win ballgames for a team without heart. Now, if Jeter and A-Rod worked this out as a duet, the Yanks would be back on track. (By the way… two songs originally from musical theater on one list? Really?)

3. Fireworks – The Tragically Hip (itunes)
- The relationship between sports and love is a funny one. Some guys keep their sporting lives separate from their romantic lives. For other guys, sports can be a great way to relate to the opposite sex. That line in this song—“You said you didn't give a fuck about hockey / And I never saw someone say that before”—it kills me every time. But the guy lets go of Bobby Orr so he can hold his girl’s hand.

On a side note, I definitely fall into the latter category of guys. Once I saw Mike Mussina take a perfect game into the 9th inning against the Red Sox. With two outs and a 1-2 count on Carl Everett (who doesn’t believe in dinosaurs), I called my then girlfriend and made her turn on the TV. Everett bloops the next pitch into center for a single and my dad just glares at me. What can I say? I was trying to share something I love with someone I loved. Sorry Moose.

2. A Dying Cub Fan’s Last Request – Steve Goodman (itunes)
- As a kid from Buffalo who pulls for Minnesota sports teams, I know a thing or two about senseless devotion. If he’d stayed away from the Cubs, this titular fan might have a few years left. Yet Goodman’s good-natured cynicism is both touching and hilarious; you can hear him smiling the whole time, through defeat and even death.

1. Hit Somebody – Warren Zevon (itunes)
- This song has everything you could ever want. Great story? Check. Infectious chorus? Check. Farmboy from Canada, Hammond organ, and David Letterman? Check, check, and check. Honestly, someone should make a movie out of it. (I usually reserve that sort of praise for ten-minute Dylan epics.) Zevon’s hero, an unwilling goon who longs for something more than pugilism, is eminently relatable. Buddy slaves away every game, securing his teammates’ success with scars and blood, but never demanding the spotlight. In the end, he pays the ultimate price for the lone goal of his career. That’s fucking Greek, man. Can’t you see his crumpled body, bathed in red light, lying in the goal crease? That’s heroic. That’s just a good song.